life in the wait

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

During the months in between our first trip to meet Archie and the second trip to bring him home, I must have sworn to Joey a thousand times, "if we ever adopt again we cannot go back to a place that requires two trips." The waiting was excruciating. Time felt like it was moving in slow motion. And all I could do was think about and worry about Archie. Literally counting down the days.


It's been one month since we said goodbye to Sevy. One month down. Having three kids at home this time has definitely made it easier. No time to wallow. A million and one distractions. Time can't stand still. But oh how I miss her. And cannot wait to have her home.


I have spent the last month just really trying to process this whole thing. It's also been one month since I said goodbye to Gus. Since I hugged and kissed him for what would be the last time. It has been an emotional roller coaster. And even though I have gotten to a place where I truly am at peace with our decision, there are times when all I can do is play the "what if" game in my head. All I can think about is him pulling my hand to his face cause he wanted me to rub his cheek. Some nights are sleepless. It's a kind of grief I've never experienced. It's heavy and isolating. It's a strange and unfamiliar type of grief for me because it's based on a decision we made. Gus didn't die. No one told us that he couldn't be ours. No one took him away. We let him go.


But I know that at the end of even my very weakest days, I fall asleep a little bit stronger.

To be honest, I have been mostly faking it for the last month. I hide tears. I force smiles.
Yesterday after I picked the kids up from school, Ace was telling me random stories about her day. (I don't get those often from her). And I just started to cry. She asked me why I was crying and I told her that I just love her and her brothers so much that sometimes it overwhelms me and I just have to cry.
Then we had this conversation:

ACE: what does overwhelm mean?
ME: it means it's so strong and it just takes me over and I can't help but cry happy tears.
ACE: oh yeah I know. Like when I'm trying to practice my guitar and I'm singing a new song and I'm sounding so beautiful and Archie won't stop trying to sing the song with me even though he doesn't know the words cause it's a song what I was making up in my head while I was singing it. And it's so annoying and then I just cry. Is that overwhelms?
ME: exactly.

That. Kid. 



I'm finally finding my footing and getting back to a place where the laughter is genuine. I am thankful for this offbeat life. The adventure, heartache and joy that it brings. And a family who patiently navigates it with me.

{If you are considering adopting or know someone who is, please consider Gus! He needs out. A family with no small children would be best. He's an amazing kid. He loves to cuddle. He loves to be sung to. I know that his family is out there and I have to have faith that they will find him. Because I'm not willing to accept what his fate will be if they don't. If you want to know more about him or have any questions at all please contact me!}


Lots of Love!
Lisa