I’m back.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

It’s been a year and a half since my last post. To those who have loyally followed me, some of you since day one, I’m so sorry. I left you hanging in the middle of Sevy’s adoption trip and that was just a jerk move. To those of you who are still here- thank you. To those of you who have asked and encouraged me to get back here- thank you. 

I’m back. 

Where I left off, we had just gotten Sevy out of her orphanage. We had a successful first day and even an ok first night. Ok meaning nothing overwhelmingly terrible or horrific happened. But it was far from easy. She cried a lot for reasons I couldn’t figure out. Was she in physical pain? Was she frustrated that she couldn’t communicate? Or was she simply scared? I believe it was a combination of those things and many others. 

That night and the days to follow I lived in a steady state of intentional denial. It’s all I could do to stay afloat. She stiff armed me from the start. She sought comfort from Ace and turned her back to me. 

I was the enemy. 

Shortly after she was home I went on a writing retreat in California. I almost backed out a thousand times. Could I leave her just a few months into her being mine? We were already struggling and I started to wonder if me leaving for three days might make things even worse. But I also knew that I needed it. For so many reasons. One of the main ones being a break from her. 

On the first night there, I sat in a room full of strangers. Possibly the furthest out of my comfort zone I’d ever been. My plan as we went around the room and introduced ourselves and shared a little about what brought us there, was to say my name and a couple of basic, benign facts about my life and quickly pass the torch. I wasn’t gonna cry. I wasn’t gonna be vulnerable. I was gonna keep my wall up and just allow everyone else’s tears and stuff to be a distraction from my own. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat as the girl in front of me wrapped up. And then- the dam broke. I found myself completely powerless over the words pouring out of my mouth. And it was that moment that I became fully aware of my feelings. Denial was no longer an option. 

I finally finished my hyperventilating cry and my attempt to explain the heartbreak that I was experiencing in my relationship with Sevy and i felt exhausted. I also felt dumb and ashamed and less than. 

I still don’t really understand how the hell I found myself on a retreat in Ojai that May weekend. But it was exactly where I was supposed to be. With the exact people I was supposed to be with. 

After that weekend I decided I’d start sharing more openly about life with Sevy. This is the stuff that’s hard to talk about. It’s also the stuff that we most need to talk about. 

It’s been a year and a half since Sevy has been home. Since then it has been one step forward, ten steps back every single day. We have had some seriously incredible moments of bonding. We have had some ugly moments of dissension. She learned my buttons as quickly as she could and has made it her job to hit them as hard and as often as she can. 

She has not made it easy for me to love her. But let me be very clear- I love her. Fiercely and madly and in a way that i can’t fully comprehend. I would cross oceans over and over and over again every single day to get to her. She’s my daughter. But it’s also okay that my love for her has been hard work. That is doesn’t come naturally like it does (and always has) my other three. 

It’s adoption awareness month and i feel that the most important thing I can do, in this month and always, is share my truth. It’s important that we acknowledge reality and that we quit attempting to live into clichés. Adoption is beautiful. It’s magic; it’s powerful. It can also be painful, it brings grief, and heartache. We often feel so alone, so isolated, so afraid. 

Since opening up about my struggles with Sevy on social media, I’ve had so many people reach out to me. I’ve had countless private conversations with moms who are in the exact same spot. I’ve cried with moms I’ve never met simply because we found someone who gets it. 

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing more about my life with Sevy. The good, the bad, and the ugly. If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss specifically, leave me a comment or shoot me a message.  

For now, here's a visual of how Sevy felt about me when she first came home. I mean, she still feels this way a lot but she just shows it in less direct ways. They told me in her orphanage "she will show you the middle finger when she's angry." They were not lying.

This stuff is hard. You're not alone.

Lots of Love!



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