I’m back.

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

It’s been a year and a half since my last post. To those who have loyally followed me, some of you since day one, I’m so sorry. I left you hanging in the middle of Sevy’s adoption trip and that was just a jerk move. To those of you who are still here- thank you. To those of you who have asked and encouraged me to get back here- thank you. 

I’m back. 

Where I left off, we had just gotten Sevy out of her orphanage. We had a successful first day and even an ok first night. Ok meaning nothing overwhelmingly terrible or horrific happened. But it was far from easy. She cried a lot for reasons I couldn’t figure out. Was she in physical pain? Was she frustrated that she couldn’t communicate? Or was she simply scared? I believe it was a combination of those things and many others. 

That night and the days to follow I lived in a steady state of intentional denial. It’s all I could do to stay afloat. She stiff armed me from the start. She sought comfort from Ace and turned her back to me. 

I was the enemy. 

Shortly after she was home I went on a writing retreat in California. I almost backed out a thousand times. Could I leave her just a few months into her being mine? We were already struggling and I started to wonder if me leaving for three days might make things even worse. But I also knew that I needed it. For so many reasons. One of the main ones being a break from her. 

On the first night there, I sat in a room full of strangers. Possibly the furthest out of my comfort zone I’d ever been. My plan as we went around the room and introduced ourselves and shared a little about what brought us there, was to say my name and a couple of basic, benign facts about my life and quickly pass the torch. I wasn’t gonna cry. I wasn’t gonna be vulnerable. I was gonna keep my wall up and just allow everyone else’s tears and stuff to be a distraction from my own. 

I swallowed the lump in my throat as the girl in front of me wrapped up. And then- the dam broke. I found myself completely powerless over the words pouring out of my mouth. And it was that moment that I became fully aware of my feelings. Denial was no longer an option. 

I finally finished my hyperventilating cry and my attempt to explain the heartbreak that I was experiencing in my relationship with Sevy and i felt exhausted. I also felt dumb and ashamed and less than. 

I still don’t really understand how the hell I found myself on a retreat in Ojai that May weekend. But it was exactly where I was supposed to be. With the exact people I was supposed to be with. 

After that weekend I decided I’d start sharing more openly about life with Sevy. This is the stuff that’s hard to talk about. It’s also the stuff that we most need to talk about. 

It’s been a year and a half since Sevy has been home. Since then it has been one step forward, ten steps back every single day. We have had some seriously incredible moments of bonding. We have had some ugly moments of dissension. She learned my buttons as quickly as she could and has made it her job to hit them as hard and as often as she can. 

She has not made it easy for me to love her. But let me be very clear- I love her. Fiercely and madly and in a way that i can’t fully comprehend. I would cross oceans over and over and over again every single day to get to her. She’s my daughter. But it’s also okay that my love for her has been hard work. That is doesn’t come naturally like it does (and always has) my other three. 

It’s adoption awareness month and i feel that the most important thing I can do, in this month and always, is share my truth. It’s important that we acknowledge reality and that we quit attempting to live into clichés. Adoption is beautiful. It’s magic; it’s powerful. It can also be painful, it brings grief, and heartache. We often feel so alone, so isolated, so afraid. 

Since opening up about my struggles with Sevy on social media, I’ve had so many people reach out to me. I’ve had countless private conversations with moms who are in the exact same spot. I’ve cried with moms I’ve never met simply because we found someone who gets it. 

Over the next few weeks I will be sharing more about my life with Sevy. The good, the bad, and the ugly. If you have any questions or topics you would like me to discuss specifically, leave me a comment or shoot me a message.  

For now, here's a visual of how Sevy felt about me when she first came home. I mean, she still feels this way a lot but she just shows it in less direct ways. They told me in her orphanage "she will show you the middle finger when she's angry." They were not lying.


This stuff is hard. You're not alone.

Lots of Love!

Lisa

15 comments:

Sakshi Sharma said...

Thankyou for writing again.Love your family.

Tiffany said...

Thank you for sharing! I had a similar moment at our church's women's retreat just a few weeks ago... I felt blindsided by my own emotions and couldn't have articulated them before that moment. I'm thankful for your willingness to share. I love my daughter and it's very clear you love Sevy deeply!

The Lucky Few said...

love this and you and her. xoxo Thankful for you friend.

Addie said...

thank you for this! you are so, so brave in sharing your heart and being honest - I think this is what is missing in the adoption world and so many of us go in unprepared and then have our heart broken as it all unfolds. Yes, we love our children, but its such hard work some days and some days you just don't feel like you will make it at all.

Thank you

Amy Delacruz said...

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Julie Collins said...

URGENT EFFECTIVE LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND BACK FAST. Unityspelltemple@gmail.com is certainly the best spell caster online, and his result is 100% guarantee.
I am Julie Collins from USA, after 4 years of relationship with my boyfriend,
he broke up me and brought in another Girl, i did all i could to get him back
but all proved abortive, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a
website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told
me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me.
28 hours later, my boyfriend really called me and told me that he miss me so much,
So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,
and for the pain he caused me . Then from that day,
Our relationship was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided
to share my story on the internet that Dr.Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble,
if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now.
Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,
you can also visit his website: https://urgentspell.blogspot.com.

Julie Collins said...

URGENT EFFECTIVE LOVE-SPELL TO GET YOUR EX BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND BACK FAST. Unityspelltemple@gmail.com is certainly the best spell caster online, and his result is 100% guarantee.
I am Julie Collins from USA, after 4 years of relationship with my boyfriend,
he broke up me and brought in another Girl, i did all i could to get him back
but all proved abortive, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a
website that suggested that Dr Unity can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told
me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me.
28 hours later, my boyfriend really called me and told me that he miss me so much,
So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,
and for the pain he caused me . Then from that day,
Our relationship was now stronger than how it were before, All thanks to Dr Unity. he is so powerful and i decided
to share my story on the internet that Dr.Unity real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble,
if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now.
Here’s his contact: Email him at: Unityspelltemple@gmail.com ,
you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348071622464 ,
you can also visit his website: https://urgentspell.blogspot.com.

DERRICK OLIS said...

Hey,I'm so excited my broken Marriage has been restored & my husband is back after he left me and our 2 kids for another woman. After 5 years of marriage, me and my husband has been into one quarrel or the other until he finally left me and kids for another woman. thought they would never see their father again. i tried to be strong just for the kids but i could not control the pains that torments my heart, my heart was filled with sorrows and pains because i was really in love with my husband. Every day and night i think of him and always wish he would come back to me, I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr DAN can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a (Love spell) for me. 3days later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me and the kids so much, So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and the kids. Then from that day,our Marriage was now stronger than how it were before,All thanks to Dr DAN. he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet that Dr DAN real and powerful spell caster who i will always pray to live long to help his children in the time of trouble, if you are here and you need your Ex back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact: Email him at: blessedspellhome@gmail.com you can also call him +1(310)-751-7818 fb.me/BLESSEDSPELLHOME

Laura Blunk said...

THE MIGHTY SPELL CASTER THAT HELPED ME SOLVED MY URGENT CRITICAL RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM.

I just want to share my experience and testimony here..MY name is Laura Blunk from UK I was married for 5 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture.. he started hailing me and he was abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn’t know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so someone told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster…so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn’t believe in all those things… then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn’t believe it.anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case anyone needs this man, his email address drocusodospellcaster@gmail.com his spells is for a better life. again his email is drocusodospellcaster@yahoo.com also call his or add him up on whats-app +2349067457724.

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